Marriage & Therapy
Marriage can be one of the most rewarding things. On the other side of the same coin, it can also be the most challenging. This year Raven and I will be celebrating 8 years of marriage. It’s our Mamba year! Throughout our marriage, we’ve had some incredible times and made some amazing memories. We’ve traveled, started businesses, started a nonprofit, taken career steps, and had two boys. Over the same time frame, we’ve cried, we’ve argued, disagreed, had a miscarriage, been in the ER too many times to count, and dealt with bouts of anxiety and depression. Simply put, not only in marriage, but in life it isn’t all sunshine and roses. Lean in a little closer as I share 8 challenges that I had in our marriage and how couples therapy is helping me overcome them.
1. Focusing on what she wasn’t doing. I think most of our marriage I’ve struggled with this. I would express my desire for words of affirmation and feel a way when I wasn’t getting them. Let’s be honest, we have all been there at some point, right? At the same time, I was never really acknowledging all the other things she was doing for me and our family. Because of this she didn’t feel appreciated at times and for good reason. Often, I didn’t even notice I was even doing this. I was so caught up in the things I wasn’t getting and desired that I was blind to the reality that Raven needed to feel appreciated for the things she was doing and doing well! This mindset dominoed to the next challenge.
2. Letting lies overtake my mind. Some of the lies I let creep in my mind were I’m not a priority and she doesn’t love me as much as I love her. I felt this because I didn’t feel loved in my love languages as much as I desired, and that she didn’t care to love me in my love languages. At times this led me to emotionally and mentally drift away.
3. Comparing companionship. For much of my marriage, I struggled with comparing my relationship with Raven to a companionship with a friend before her. This led me to be frustrated at moments and back to drifting away. Not only that, I also felt that I couldn’t be completely vulnerable with her and truly allow her to be my safe haven. I created an invisible shield that prevented her love for me to penetrate my inner most being that could take our marriage deeper. I didn’t know how much this was killing my marriage until getting into therapy and Raven voiced her displeasure. I was also convicted about this after doing some individual work as well. Since breaking free from comparison our marriage has entered a realm of deepness that I never want to leave. Simply put, comparison kills.
4. Not cultivating an environment of vulnerability and transparency. Being so focused on my needs and what I wanted created an environment and culture in our marriage where Raven felt like she couldn’t talk to me about certain things largely due to how I would respond and my lack of care to how she was feeling. I cared… just not as much as I cared about me and my wants. It’s no coincidence that my lack of vulnerability and emotional transparency in our marriage set a culture where Raven felt like she couldn’t be vulnerable and transparent with me. There were times where I could tell that wanted to share something but couldn’t because I never created that safe haven for her to do so.
5. Projecting childhood trauma. Some of my experiences as a child presented challenges throughout my life into adulthood. Ultimately for me it led to having a fear of abandonment. When tension arose in our relationship or marriage, that fear would creep in and cause me to pull away. In full transparency, that same fear almost caused me to call off our relationship when we were dating, call off our wedding, and even second guess if our marriage would last. In the beginning stages of going to therapy, our therapist had Raven and I to take a quiz about our attachment styles(you can take it here). This assessment was eye-opening as it helped me understand why I desired certain things in my relationship but also helped me to understand why Raven desired certain things as well. It was one thing to know about each other’s love languages but reading and studying about our own and each other’s attachment styles, unlocked a level of understanding and clarity that we’ve never experienced in our marriage.
6. Not being a spotter. Bench press and squats are my two favorite weightlifting exercises. Bench pressing sometimes requires a spotter. A spotter is someone who stands nearby to assist during an exercise, mainly to ensure safety and proper technique, as well as be ready to help if the lifter struggles to lift the weight. A great spotter may also say things like “Keep going!” You got this!” “I’m right here!” or “I got you” for encouragement to have you finish the rep and set! Too often in my marriage, I would want Raven to strengthen an area she wasn’t as strong in, but I would never position myself in a way to be her spotter. I wasn’t there for safety to lift the weight when it got too heavy. Instead, I complained about why she couldn’t lift the weight. I also didn’t posture my heart in a way where I could encourage her. There is no posture without position.
7. Leaving her in unhealthy headspaces. Raven absolutely has an absolute heart of gold! She loves serving people and making life easier for those who she cares about. Raven's warmth and sincerity shines through in everything she does. It's these qualities that not only make her an incredible partner but also a cherished friend to everyone who knows her. Whenever things wouldn’t be going as smoothly or we would go through moments of tension, it would really bother her because at the end of the day, she just wants things to be great with us collectively, but also great for me individually ensuring I have everything I need. Often in these moment’s I would leave her in headspaces wondering if I still valued her, if I’m upset at her, if I want to be married to her, etc. Also, I had a bad habit of not verbally expressing love and grace in the moment that would speak to those feelings or thoughts she may have. Therapy has given me practical tools and verbiage which have allowed me to be a better communicator and listener. Now, her feeling like she must second-guess our marriage is completely off the table. The language or tactics I would use that enabled her to feel that way has been inserted into the “DO NOT USE” category as it should have been from day one!
8. Losing track of the serve. Servant-Leadership is one of our family values. I was exposed to that value at Higher Ground, a camp within Kids Across America. In the past, I would move the focus from Raven and shift the lens to my needs and desires. By doing this I was causing unnecessary tension at inopportune times. Other times I would get so caught up in leading her. With time I came to realize that sometimes she doesn’t necessarily need me to lead her, but for me to love her. This realization has been transformative for our relationship. By embracing the idea of servant-leadership in our marriage, I've learned to prioritize empathy and understanding. Instead of trying to control or direct, I've started to listen more and appreciate the balance we can create together. This shift has allowed us to grow closer and foster a partnership built on mutual respect and genuine care. It's a journey, but one that's deeply rewarding, as we learn to support each other not just as individuals, but as a team working towards shared happiness and fulfillment.
Ultimately, therapy has been a transformative experience, one that has enriched my understanding of love and partnership. It has encouraged me to listen more intently and to express my feelings honestly and respectfully. Through this journey, I've learned the value of patience and empathy, recognizing that both Raven and I are constantly evolving as individuals. I absolutely love my wife with every fiber of my body, but I discovered that love isn’t quantified, it’s qualified. It’s not really about how much I love her or how much she loves me. It’s truly about how we love. Processing with a therapist has revealed areas where I was loving incorrectly, but also gave clarity to the why. Yes, we’ve had our struggles and yes, I have had moments of thinking it couldn’t work. Going to therapy has given me deeper meaning to my marriage. I’m not only married to Raven, I’m also married to the vision of my two sons seeing what a healthy marriage looks like so they can grow up to be phenomenal men, husbands, and dads themselves. If you’re reading this, and you’ve experienced some pain or tension in your relationship or marriage or are on the fence about it, I highly suggest giving therapy a try. While it is a lot of work that can bring a ton of tears, it can produce a lot of fruit that will set your marriage up for success for years to come!